life is like a spoon: dull and it would really hurt if you got stabbed by it

 
 

customer service

23 August 2010

Hello,

I’m writing to relate to you a fairly dismal experience I’ve had with CEVA recently. I ordered a couch from Walmart.com, which uses CEVA for oversized item delivery. I had no problems with the delivery, but needed to return the item as quickly as possible because it turned out to be covered in mold. The mold is not related to CEVA’s delivery service, but it did create the instance of needing to use CEVA again for the pick-up.

Unfortunately, I cannot say that the pick-up has gone nearly as well as the delivery. In addition to the frustration and anger I’ve already experienced with the walmart.com customer service, I’ve had to deal with a separate poor customer service experience with CEVA. I’m writing this because I’ve taken off time from work to be home and wait for this pick-up to happen and really, I’m so upset I can’t even concentrate on anything else.

The original delivery window was Saturday, 11-5. This is by far the biggest pick-up or delivery window I’ve ever encountered with a similar service, and that is NOT a compliment. I can’t imagine why a service that focuses solely on transporting goods can’t narrow down the delivery time estimate. I understand there is an element of unpredictability involved in the nature of this kind of thing, but do you not take pride at being efficient at the one and only thing you do? 6 hours is a lot of time for a person to lose from their day, especially if it has to be in the middle of a working day or a weekend.

In any case, I realized there was a street fair occurring on my block that Saturday. I decided to call CEVA to warn the driver ahead of time that they would need to park around the corner from my apartment instead of right in front. They decided that this meant they had to change the pick-up date. Apparently for a couch, the truck has to be precisely outside the apartment and there is no dolly or other piece of equipment that can be used if this is not the case (hmmm, wait, I thought this was a goods transportation service…?). This was incredibly frustrating because I had already arranged my plans for waiting for the pick-up on Saturday and now I needed to take time off of a weekday to get this couch picked up. Recall that there is mold on the couch and it has been sitting in my apartment for nearly two weeks already. I verified that there was a note made to call me on Monday before the driver got to my apartment so that I could make sure to be in the apartment at that time.

Now, here I am on Monday. I needed to do some errands, but they were close by and I had verified on two separate occasions/phone calls that the driver would be calling me before his arrival. So, I went to do my errands. I came back and it was getting close to the end of the delivery window, so I called just to check if the driver was still coming.

I found out that the driver had been here, but no one answered so he left.

He left.

The representative asked him if he called the phone number (I could hear him talking to her in the background), and he said no.

No one called.

I was then told that while I had insisted twice already that there be a note made to call me prior to arrival at my apartment that “it hadn’t been entered onto the driver’s sheet” which is a “totally different thing”. I have to call bullshit on this because I could hear him repeat the phone number to the representative when he was on the phone. He didn’t call because he “didn’t know if it was China or something” (due to a not common area code) again, I must call bullshit. If a driver gets to an apartment and no one answers, but there is a phone number on the sheet, he or she should attempt to call that number, (even if he thinks it is an international number—doesn’t CEVA pride itself on international service?) just in case. He could have even verified the address and delivery time and phone number by calling his dispatcher or contact at the company. I can’t imagine what kind of thinking leads to ignoring a request to call ahead of time and then ignoring the fact that a contact number exists and then ignoring all alternate possibilities; my only conclusion can be that no thinking exists.

I was then told that “he would try” to get back to me at the end of his route to pick it up.

He would “try”?

As Yoda says, there is no try, there is only do. I know that he has another route to attend to and that other frustrated people are waiting for pick-ups and deliveries. However, if CEVA is responsible at all, then you MUST amend your errors, not just attempt to. As a customer, I do not feel reassured at ALL that this couch is going to be picked up. I have to give 3 more hours of my time, stuck in my apartment, twiddling my thumbs waiting for CEVA to TRY to remedy its own error. I don’t understand the mentality or rationale behind saying ‘maybe’ to a customer who has already scheduled this pick-up time twice and can’t take off any more work time and is also leaving on a trip in a few days who doesn’t have an extra weekend to wait around for another pick-up window of over six hours.

I’m sure there is a lot of politicking and hierarchy at CEVA that is probably nigh impossible to navigate. I have no idea who will end up reading this (if anyone) but if you are, then thank you for taking the time to hear someone out. I know I haven’t done a particularly good job of keeping a bitter tone out of this note, and I hope that despite that failing, this complaint is taken into serious consideration and that I’ve given you something to think about. I would like to suggest having any customer service representative or anyone at CEVA at all read Danny Meyer’s book, Setting the Table. I think it might do wonders for keeping your clients happy, and I hope that no matter who the person is you never underestimate the power, implications or results of either ruining a person’s day or making that person’s day a good one.

Thanks again,
Shannon

*update*
The driver never came back and it would seem never tried to due to “complications in his route”. I would call a 3rd bullshit on that one. I had to call again and I ended up speaking with a very harsh-toned representative who talked over me and constantly cut me off, never letting me fully explain my reasons for calling. I am now assured 100% that a driver will be here between 8am and 8:30am tomorrow morning barring “an act of God”.

I told her I wouldn’t put it past him.

on spelling

21 August 2010

Sometimes, I forget how to spell the simplest words. It makes me feel like a complete idiot and I feel so ashamed, even though many times when it happens, I am the only one around. I could be writing an innocent letter to a friend and then I write something like ‘beleive’ down. Let me tell you, it’s very sad when I am embarrassed in front of myself.

I can be happily chatting with someone online and then all of a sudden I want to write “try this….recipie”.

No, recepe, recepie, rescepi, no it’s recipie, it has to be. Go away, little red line! recepi, i before e, reciepe, no i know recipie is so clooooooose! Well, I know beleive is wrong.

Then, I have to think of another creative way to say that word without actually writing it, kind of like that game, Taboo. Man, who doesn’t like Taboo? Sometimes, I can get away with saying “_______, sp?” if it is a complicated word, but usually it is something I feel like I should/could know and would if only something close to my computer magically had the word written on it. Where did all my recipie books go? They were just here! Once in a while I just spell most of the accompanying words in the sentence wrong so it looks more like silly typing mistakes, but there is a fine line between making it look like you are a casual typer and hi, I’m just and idiot who can’t actually spell anything at all.

“Try this, it is from a cookbook” Nice, simple and clever.

“Here is a list of ingredients and instructions you should try purchasing and then following, respectively.” How the fuck do I know how to spell respectively but not recepie?

“I found this on the internet and I thought of you, you’re always looking for these things.” Actually, this one is probably more about a youtube kitten video or someone dancing to a Beyoncé song. Or porn.

“No, I don’t cook at all. I don’t even have a kitchen. Stop making me feel bad about not having a kitchen! Why are you always such a jerk?” Lies and guilt are sometimes the best way out of a situation (or into one).

If I feel like being angry in addition to feeling ashamed, I may quickly google ‘recipie’ so that the search result page can give me that asshole condescending italicized and underlined bit that says Did you mean: RECIPE, dumbass?

Yes. I did.

Fucking, non-phonetic words. By the way, ‘phonetic’? Come ON!

This sad spelling-inability feeling is a little bit like when I write “It costs 40$!” because, that is how you say it or when I write “It was %60 off!” because the dollar thing is backwards… so maybe like this, too? Hmm, I’m…… not that smart.

Once in a while, people ask me to spell something aloud. This is the worst thing, EVER. So stressful! It’s not like doing math in my head where I can pretend I am doing it but I’m not, I’m just semi-mumbling numbers and looking up into the ceiling where people look for answers when they are thinking until someone else comes up with the right answer and I can go “Yeah, 46, that’s what I got, too.” With spelling, I’m put on the spot and if I do it too slowly or after too much of a pause or write with my hand in the air then they know I don’t know and I know they know I don’t know which is such an awkward feeling where both end up feeling sorry for the other (them, because they think I’m dumb, me, because they have to go through this). So then it ends up like this:

me: something, something, coffee
friend: where?
me: La Colombe?
friend: how do you spell that?
me: …… C… o……… er, like Colombia, but….not.

The best part is that secretly, I did not mean Colombia, the country. I was actually thinking of Columbia University which makes no sense.

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early to bed, late to rise.

15 August 2010

Dear Diary,

I WOKE UP AT 3PM TODAY.

3pm. THREE. FUCKING. IN. THE. AFTERNOON.

I went to sleep at 1am and I woke up 14 hours later. I missed the morning and the early afternoon. Who does that? I mean, apparently, I do.

This is the kind of thing where you wake up and you feel slightly insane, slightly embarrassed and yes, slightly proud. More than slightly proud. In yo FACE, insomniacs. Really, at that point it’s like wow, that is impressive. That is an amazing amount of sleeping time for a human being. That is mini coma levels. I read once that President Clinton got 4-5 hours of sleep a night when he was in office. I got three times that amount of sleep in ONE night.

This is why I’m not the President. (There are a few other reasons, but I think probably this is the main one.)

I missed breakfast and lunch. I really only have time today for one meal if I am to subscribe to the standard three square meals a day thing. Obviously I am not because I woke up and immediately ate cereal. I don’t know who I was trying to kid, it was three in the afternoon. Cereal is an anytime thing in my book, of course, but I definitely was trying to think of it as ‘breakfast time’. When it’s that late you can’t even pretend you were aiming for an earlier time, “Oh yeah, well, I was going to get up at 9, but I accidentally woke up at 3.” Although, in my weak defense, it’s not like I was late for anything. Also, if I had gotten up earlier, I probably would have ended up napping anyway, essentially… maybe I was late for my nap, so, I was possibly late for the thing I was already doing.

Thanks for not judging me,
Shannon

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i don’t know chinese

8 August 2010

Dear Staff at Chinese Restaurants and Shops,

I don’t mean to deceive you with my Asian-Face, but I don’t know Chinese. I’m sorry. I know, it’s like a really severe case of Asian-Face but there’s very little I can do about it. I know I’m letting you down when I give you that blank stare. Don’t worry, I’m Chinese enough to feel that deep rooted shame. Sometimes I try to pretend that I know what you’re talking about. Maybe I’ll catch the odd word Cha? I think she said ‘cha’…. she is asking me something about tea…. but what? What ABOUT tea? Maybe I nod slowly. Maybe I pretend I don’t hear you. Maybe I murmur ‘xie xie’ hoping it’s appropriate.

Sometimes when I try to buy something you quote me a price in Chinese. I have no idea what you just said. You have no idea that I have no idea. It feels like you are yelling at me because that is how all Chinese sounds—you make me so nervous! So, I hand over a twenty for something I’m guessing costs around a dollar because what if I tried to give you just a dollar but it costs like a dollar twenty and you said ‘one dollar and twenty cents’ but I only give you a dollar because I’m pretending I know what you’re saying then you keep saying ‘One dollar twenty! One dollar twenty!’ to me in Chinese and then I just hand you all my money and say ‘Thank you’ at the end of the transaction, blowing my cover anyway.

However, I know it happens to you, too. Sometimes when I ask you for something, you promise to get it for me but it never comes. Or the wrong thing comes. You are probably going through the same thing I am. You know, I’m like “We didn’t order this dish.” but you are probably like What the fuck did she just say? I will pretend I know by nodding and try to disappear from here and never ever make eye contact with her again. Sometimes you are really tricky and turn the tables on me by using angry Chinese to scare me into just nodding and accepting the new dish as my own. Then, right when I finally resolve myself to eating it and paying for it you realize your mistake and whisk it away to the correct table.

Well, I’m sure there was a point in here somewhere.

tee hee

27 April 2010

big news!

12 April 2010

Hurray! severely average launches with a hell of a lot of work and very little fanfare. Imagine that lame kazoo noise when you read this.

Stay tuned for more.

Posted in News, Stupidity | No Comments